Thursday, May 02, 2013

Paper Pregnancy

I have had four fairly easy pregnancies.   I never experienced morning sickness or nausea.  God then gave Ben and I a desire to bring another child into our home.  This paper pregnancy has left me weeping, tired and hungry.  I weep for the days that stretch into the distance and our child is continents away.  I tire from the forms, bureaucrats and checks and double checks.  I hunger for the future when our child will be established in our home.
There is something more intentional about a paper pregnancy.   You wake up and don't think about a healthy think about the healthy, life-giving words you can write on your applications.   When your not quite showing, you still wear your tight jeans and favorite shirt.   You are hesitant to tell too many people in case your child is miscarried and you never bring him home.  But then there is the magical moment when you can't see past your growing belly and you know everyone knows you are pregnant.  There are people that want to know all the details and pat your stomach.   There are those that hurry to open doors because you are obviously pregnant.  And there are those that count kids as they file past and wonder how you can be pregnant again.  Despite the gawkers and the talkers, you take solace in the fact that this pregnancy was as supernatural as your others.   And then one night your water breaks when you least expect it.  God delivers the child born in your heart at 1 a.m. on a Tuesday.  But unlike most pregnancies, your child is a prisoner in the NICU and you can't bring him home till the doctors sign off and the governments give permission.  So you wait and you pray and you wait some more and you pray some more.  All the while trusting that when your child comes home, God will do the healing as only He can do.   

To have faith you don't have to understand the process of how you get somewhere or be assured of a positive outcome.   Faith is not blind, faith sees where human eyes can't.   Faith sees God.  And God is Sufficient.   I was told by someone through this paper pregnancy that I am naive and think that we won't have any troubles.  How little that person knew my God.   God doesn't promise a life of ease or pleasure, but he repeatedly says if you are to follow me you can expect it to be difficult.   But God doesn't stop there, he whispers in your ear when you are an emotional wreck and your ankles are swollen like watermelons..."I love you.  You have value to me.  I go with you.  Do not be afraid."

A new favorite blog I follow is, the author so succinctly sums it up:
"There are stories after stories of how adopting isn't easy. But it was the Spirit that took precedence over the flesh."

No comments: