Nine stones

Our newest family photo. As I count the heads, I'm amazed at where I am today.  I never could have imagined this life.  The person who loved order and tidiness has had her world rearranged by the God of the universe.  There is nothing tidy about adoption.  It is a messy process, because it deals with the displaced, the discarded and the destitute.  I was one of those.  Adoption is a good destruction in that it breaks hard, self-contained hearts to expand our very definition of love. 

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.…

Ephesians 5:1-2

Adoption is a good ugly in that it strewns emotions all over the floor.  Adoption gathers the emptiness of our efforts and takes them to Christ, the perfect lover.  Yes, adoption will first empty you of everything you once were so that you can be that imitator of God.

When Ben asked if I wanted to go on an errand with him after work, I did not expect he was heading to a jewelry store.  He surprised me with a nine stone diamond ring.  It was strange to count the stones and realize that my family is now nine.  It was even more amazing to think that before the diamonds were mined, God had in his mind this brilliant display for his glory. 

Now when I look at my finger, I will be reminded of the crazy, undeserved love my husband has for me but that adoption is like a ring encircled with precious jewels.  And even I know that the best sparkles are cast with the cutting away of sides. 

When God Writes a Love Letter

As the stories of our lives are written from the very ink of God's heart, it is not surprising that he chose for our travel approval to land us in the Philippines over Valentine's Day.  Never particularly sentimental about the holiday, it all changed when I returned home to ponder the significance of that February 14. 


We were fresh off the plane and waiting for the 15th to come when we would meet our newest son and daughter.  You might say love had taken us around the world, but it wasn't the hearts and roses kind of love.  It was scared in your shoes love.  It was the nervous love of not knowing whether it would be reciprocated or well-placed.  It was a very poor sort of love, a human kind of love that perhaps does leak helium like a red balloon.   I felt totally incapable of the task at hand. 

Home now three weeks, I am reminded minute by minute that God wrote the love letter best.  He sent his most precious gift, Jesus, into a foreign country that was marred by indescribable poverty and willful disregard.  He never worried about whether his love was reciprocated or well-placed.  His was a heavenly sort of love that never gives up and doesn't leak out. 

On Valentine's Day, there are hundreds of cards that say: "I love you because...you are sweet, you are beautiful, you are fun, you are smart, you are my everything."  For an analytical personality, you start to wonder what if you cease being sweet, beautiful, fun, smart and that person's everything.  What then?

On the other hand, God writes an everlasting Valentine on the hearts of his children.  "I love you because I love you."  I feel so undone by that.  His regard for me makes me want to be a lover like him. 

Tonight as Ben and I were fixing dinner, Luke grabbed a hold of Ben's leg and spontaneously started praying, "Dear Lord Jesus, Thank you I have Daddy and Mommy now." 

My eyes are brimming with tears and I ask openly, "Why me?  I am so undeserving."  Yet the little child in me wants to grab hold of my Heavenly Father's leg and say, "Thank you for loving me so well.  Thank you for taking me around the world and back again.  Thank you for expanding my family though you knew my love was inadequate.  Thank you for pursuing me with ardor and never giving up.  Thank you for your untiring love letter."

New Beginnings

 

After much thought, we decided our children needed a new beginning with a new name.  Every time we speak their new names it will be a reminder of our mighty working God.   

 

 

Jenny is now Beth ("house of God").  It seemed so fitting since she comes to us from Bethany  ("house of poverty") orphanage.  We speak promise over her that she will have her life redeemed with the richness of God himself.

 

Jeremy is now Luke ("bringer of Light").  May the Light of the world so fill him that he will draw men to Christ.

 

So now we get to introduce our children all over again.

 

Meet Luke.

 

Meet Beth.

 

The hand by the face is a typical pose for Filipino boys. 

 

She was quite taken with our neighbors' pooch.

We're Home

After travelling over 16,000 miles, 40 plus hours and four flights, we made it home with our new son and daughter.

 

Meet Jeremy

Meet Jenny

 

Riches from Afar (part 3)

 

A few days ago I received word that again our case was scheduled for review.  I had just finished reading Isaiah, and for the third time a scripture leapt from the page into my heart.  Isaiah 60:4-5

 

"Lift up your eyes and look about you:  All assemble and come to you; your sons come from afar, and your daughters are carried on the arm.  Then you will look and be radiant, your heart will throb and swell with joy; the wealth on the seas will be brought to you, to you the riches of the nations will come."

 

At three in the morning as one mother could not sleep, she prayed for her daughter's family.   To know that God cares deeply about details and only God makes genuine families, the email from the Philippines that approved our adoption was time-stamped at 3:15 am.  Therefore, it is with great delight I announce we are gaining riches from afar, a son and a daughter.  They are coming home in the near future. 

 

As I've poured out my heart to Jesus during this process, I know that He speaks to the unworthy.  He delights to turn the unqualified into parents of nations, and He births the craziest ideas in His people.  We get to live His magnificent adventure and be blessed by his very own hand with the riches of the nations.  Some argue that adoption bankrupts you, your husband will never be able to retire, and you are fools asking for trouble.   Let it be known when you are part of God's distribution, an impoverished spirit is impossible.   I'm humbled that the Richest Man in the World has bestowed more wealth on our lives.  Sweet daughter and son, who am I that the Lord would look on me with such favor to make me your mother? 

 

Riches from Afar (part 2)

 

The days went by and our case was not rescheduled.  I was longing for the day that our lives, condensed on paper, would plead before the board in the Philippines, "Approve us!  Make these precious children orphans no longer."  As I waited I continued reading in Isaiah.  When I reached chapter 49, verse 22 and 23 stood out to me.  Here again:

 

"This is what the Sovereign Lord says: 'See, I will beckon to the nations, I will lift up my banner to the peoples; they will bring your sons in their arms and carry your daughters on their shoulders.   Kings will be your foster fathers, and their queens your nursing mothers...Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be disappointed.'"

 

I thought of the grace of Jesus to repeat words to my doubting heart.  I already had one son from the east who had a king for a foster father and a queen that nursed him, but I was sure the verse was there for what God was still going to bring to pass.  Out of the nations God calls children into his eternal family.  My precious Father adopts recklessly, because he adopts out of the richness of his mercy, but also through the willing poverty of his Son.  What can I add?  So let it be said, so let it be done.  Make us like unto you,  dear Father.   Thus we wait a bit longer.

 

Riches from Afar (part 1)

 

A big decision that would affect the rest of our lives was scheduled to be made on July 8.   I was praying for the Lord's favor that we might be able to adopt two siblings.   I shared with a friend that I was waiting for a word from the Lord.  My friend, her husband and seven kids wrote me that they would be praying that God would be glorified as he DOES set the lonely in families.  As only the Lord can orchestrate, I began reading Isaiah chapter 43 that day.  Because I wasn't reading on a plan, I just picked up where I left off reading in Isaiah from the day before.  I started to cry when I got to verse 5 and 6.

 

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. I will say to the north, 'Give them up!' and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.' Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth--"

 

I was overwhelmed that Christ would let me read those words on that particular decision day.  I felt so unworthy in His Presence.  Tears slipped down my cheeks because I was amazed that he would choose to speak to me and whisper his intimate intentions so that I would feel them in a resounding way.  And as often happens, when you get a word from the Lord, disappointing circumstances loom large and entice you to doubt what you just heard.  Therefore, it wasn't surprising that the next day I found out that the board in the Philippines did not discuss us or the children we hoped to make ours.  Our case was still unheard. 

Finding my son on Facebook

Yesterday was a momentous day.  Just imagine scrolling through hundreds of pictures on Facebook and recognizing photos that you never knew existed.  That is what happened to me.  I found Teddy's beginnings that strangers were commenting on years before I knew my son.  It was like going house hunting and finding photos on the wall of your grandfather posed with the owner.  I sure did not expect such a treasure.  What a gift of God to live in the digital age of photography.

 

 

Teddy, 4, and another little munchkin, 3, were driven 800 miles to another province to receive treatment on their feet 

Playing washers

 

Teddy, my little scholar, is reading while his friend poses

 

Teddy with his double casts is second from right

Sky High- Teddy with his back to the camera

Proof even back then, electronics were fascinating to Teddy.

Teddy with some special friends

Looks like they may have done some shenanigans together.  I'm sure Teddy was the innocent party ;)

 
 

Marked his face in his artistic endeavors, Teddy reminds me of a little lion with his shag and pen whiskers.

 

American children are told they are digging holes to China, but I imagine Chinese children think they are digging holes to the other side of China. 

 

 

 

Floating a handmade boat.

 

Once so small

 

The pencil looks bigger than him

 

 

 

Fire trucks hold fascination everywhere.


Precious ponderings. 

Expectant children.  Teddy, front row, second from right.




Years later the two children that arrive together, return 800 miles to their first orphanage.  They are about to be adopted by two different families in the same state, 8,000 miles away from their birth country.

Only God can write such improbable stories. 

To the Mother I Never Knew

I don't know if you are alive or dead.   I wonder if you wish circumstances were different.  Do you live with nine years of regret?  Do you live with recurring nightmares?  Is the earth around your feet soft with tears?  On the anniversary of the drop-off, do you visit the site of your heartache?  Are you the stranger that asks what happened to the round-faced, man child, or are you glad in the not knowing?  Were you brave to birth a child without permission?  Or maybe you were the privileged one with a pregnancy sanctioned by the government.  Did all your hopes and dreams alter with his twisted feet and folded hands?  Do you keep the matching newspaper clipping in a secret spot in your drawer?  I will never know if you sob into your pillow or bite your lips and think of something else. 

This Mother's Day, I want you to know that your great sacrifice birthed your child in another woman's heart.  I am your son's second mother and I know I would not have him without you.  Oh, may you know he is loved, safe and treasured.  Your son's brown eyes sparkle when he smiles, and he tells me jokes about barefoot bears.  His twisted feet are straightened and he runs on a different continent with your blood coursing through his veins.  He is first Chinese and second American.  He wrote me a beautiful card for Mother's Day saying, "I love you, Mommy."  My heart knows that that card should have been yours.  Your love was bigger than his 14 pounds.  You entrusted something priceless to the passing finder.  He was found and named "little warrior."  He inherited your strength and fought for the life you gave him.

The child found in Bengbu on February 7, 2007 is now our "gift of God."  As he gets older and as he asks questions, I want you to know I will honor you.   You chose life and our son is learning about the Life Giver, Jesus.  May your Heavenly Father so assure you of his love for you that where your tears have softened the ground may 100 flowers grow. 

Dear Mother across the ocean, may my thanks reach you and give you hope, joy and peace.

How Older Child Adoption is like Pointillism

Seurat never knew that he painted pictures of older child adoption when he painted picnickers by the river. It is only through our own adoption experience that I think Seurat painted with more realism than Reubens.  Indeed, his images are grainy with undetermined borders when viewed up close, but there is a complex working out of a deeper story.  There is a deliberate dot of color here and one over there.  Over a year home with my son fast approaching nine, I reflect that God's pointillism builds trust.

#1 When you adopt an older child, you may have fallen in love with a grainy photo emailed to you and find the reality less endearing.  Take heart.   Adoption is a painting in progress.  We don't have to have an inkling on the finished work, when we know God is the Painter.  He can be trusted.

#2 When you adopt an older child, you don't know what personality, preferences or hang-ups your child will have.  To flourish in the new relationship, your commitment has to be more intentional. A dot gets painted where you don't expect it, and a heart begins to beat on a canvas chest. 

And that begs the question, When will my child be able to reciprocate love?

There is no guarantees your child will like you, appreciate you or even feel gratitude for filling out a thousand forms and flying across the world to bring them into a family.  Focus on your own responses and willingness to love like Jesus...unconditionally. 

#3   When you adopt an older child, you may find it hard to determine past shadows of institutional living from current fears and current fears from "certain" futures. If the dots get blurred when you are living in the now, be assured, the Painter's brush is in control.  God makes families.  His love is unfailing and his provision is sufficient for the need.   He is an artist that can paint outside our perfect little lines and make something more beautiful and redemptive than what we could ever dream up on our own.

#4 When you adopt an older child,  remember that the world is watching.  You chose an uncommon path. Thus, there will always be more curious onlookers, gawkers and criticism.  In the heat of the colors, you can choose to focus on the serene patches of blue.  There will be times to teach others what adoption really means, and it will surprise your listeners and perhaps inspire.  There will be times to remove yourself from the public forum.  There will be times to swipe the paintbrushes out of the naysayers' hands that would paint adoption as an evil uprooting.  With so much input, you'll have to let God be the decider of motives, successes and areas to improve. 

#5 When you adopt an older child, you are going to see pointillism to the Holy.  I discovered the joy of meditating on Scripture, singing praises to God in the car, and thanking Jesus for the eye-opener adoption is into His great pursuit of me.  You can let every blip of pigment and dot of life point you back to Christ.  Even when the paint seems smudged and the big picture fathomless, you can pray to see God's vision cast over your child. 

"He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end."   Ecclesiastes 3:11

#6 When you adopt an older child, if you understand that you are no different than your child, you will find empathy, compassion and hope.   Those growing specks of crushed color are telling a rich story.  God is at work in the marrying of our children to our family and the marrying of us to Him.  Indeed, I am the adopted older child of the Lord's beautiful commitment.  I guess that means, Seurat, you depicted me.

Special Delivery

A year ago today we met our precious son.  Gotcha day! 

When Belonging Leaves a Mark

 Several months ago, Ben noticed someone had keyed his auto paint.  He followed the line to the front of his truck.  There he discovered the word DaD etched in the finish.  Well, Ben showed me and we pretended to guess which of our five dear children defaced his truck.   You might say our brains worked fast that day and we knew who the culprit was in less than a second.   Ben turned to me and said, "At least he is a good speller."

Belonging is suppose to leave you stronger and more intact, but sometimes belonging etches deep, and it is painful sweet. The boy who doesn't look a smidgeon like his DaD is going to make sure the world knows that DaD not only has a blue truck but a little son who can spell.  He belongs.  Read and see; the orphan is a son.

Please don't tell Teddy, but the truck has never looked so pretty.

Never Too Late

I confess it has taken a month and three days to post a trip that lasted only 16 days.  In some ways, I am grateful for the chance to stay a little longer in China without physically being there.  It was a very unique trip and much of it had to remain unbloggable.  Don't feel cheated.  You got to see some of the pictorial highlights. 

It seems fitting that we didn't know our hotel had a rooftop garden until the last day we were in China.  We made it to the roof by means of an elevator, but how we got to that particular moment and that particular hour is much harder to explain. 

The simple answer is God took us to China and He added to our family there.  How privileged we are to get to live His story for us from the foundations of the world.  Sweet Teddy has always belonged in our family, we just weren't clued in till he was six.  

Was the time wasted?

Absolutely not.  God was preparing us for Teddy and Teddy for us.

Now that Teddy is five months shy of 8, I marvel that God is most patient bringing about his plans.

 

Ben was giving me his best glamour shots' pose

The static electricity from the play equipment made a shocking good photo

 

Behind Alex there was a tennis court

 

 

 

 

 

Jumping Jehoshaphat, don't fall in the water.

Levitating in the air

Silly boy

Must be wearing special shoes.

His mischievous self

 

 In the van to Hong Kong, we watched the sun set on China and there ended one chapter of our adoption story.  The next chapters are being written and I will tell you it is a beautiful journey.  We feel less tired and more blessed than a month ago.  Teddy is adjusting very well to life in the real America.