So many people wonder how I live my daily life with four kids and an overworked husband and not go stark mad. But the truth is, two years ago I was mad. My madness was irrational. I had "arrived" and I was angry at God for leading me there to abandon me. My faith was in crisis. I remember visiting many churches and feeling the people with smiles on their faces were so insincere. The songs they sang seemed like mockery and the services seemed like empty motions. Life was disappointing and I painted my surroundings with a wide brush. All creation ceased singing as my heart was weeping inside my chest.
I was self-focused and miserable. I was drowning in self-pity. I couldn't see God’s goodness in a world of pain and disappointment.
In the midst of my depression, one day I took my kids to the park. I was hanging my head, scuffing my toes and pondering if God cared about me despite my feelings of abandonment. I looked down in the gravel and found a clear glass stone, the type people use in floral arrangements. It was so out of place and I remember thinking it was a tear of God. Is he crying with me? At that moment I knew he was. God let me find another clear glass stone to confirm his message. I put those shiny stones in my pocket and brought them home. They now are on my kitchen counter where I can see them each day. They have become my own visual Ebenezer to remind me that Christ has brought me thus far and his character will take me the remainder of the distance.
Sometimes that distance seems too far and then I look at those glass tears. I am not alone. I will not buy into the devil's lies. I will not look at the horizon. I will look only one step in front of me. And with the Lord's help, I will take captive my attitudes and choose to rejoice even though my heart is a slow walker. Undoubtedly, the lessons I am learning can be learned faster by someone else. Oh to grasp, the depth and width of his unconditional love. God is not apathetic about me. He loves me with wild abandon. And He cries when I cry. The proof is on my countertop and being etched in my heart.
10 hours ago